“I see the crystal visions…”
Thoughts, reflections and hopes for 2015
“Now there you go again, you say
You want your freedom”
A year ago today I boarded a flight to Miami and sailed into the unknown – one of the most important and life changing journeys so far. As I stood on the brink of this journey a year ago I could feel its gravity but I had no idea the bearing it would have on my whole world. Awaiting me were new, fresh, and exciting friendships, a love I would loose, and man I would fall in love with. Challenges, obstacles, laughter, growth, pain, doubt, wonder and unimaginable joy. The universe gifted me with so many gifts and experiences that have changed every aspect of my life for the better, sen the painful parts. I am overwhelmingly thankful to everyone who has been a part of this last wonderful year.
“Well who am I to keep you down.”
2014 has been a voyage of enlightenment, healing, constant change and terrifying challenges. As I flew to Miami I thought I had lost the love of my life, I was journeying into unknown terratory, quietly trembling and afraid. I felt lost and overwhelmed in a world where I didn’t belong – I couldn’t have imagined how wonderful that path of adventure was going to be only in retrospect do I begin to fathom what lay in front of me and how excited I should have been. The most important part of this adventure was that I have discovered in order to heal yourself – you need to take action – action that is supported by all those people around you who provide you with love and inspiration. Healing is not passive, we are meant to draw on our inner recourses, on our love and inspiration. To heal it takes you to wade through the pain of loss, sometimes even to just make it out of bed in the morning. It takes you to stand tall in those moments you feel like crumbling. Its was at this moment I met a friend who will stay with me forever. On a morning that I felt I could not get through the long day of rehearsals in Miami, I was taking part in a pre-rehearsal body conditiong class and this 5ft, fierce and beautiful tower of strength grabbed my hand and wiped away my tears, her name was Elyse, she looked at me and said “today Zach you will climb that rope, and get to the top. You are going to prove to yourself and me that you will get through this”, her energy and spirit inspired me. As I felt her words move through me I saw all those people back home who’s love and respect mean more to me than anything else in the world. I stood at the foot of the rope that towered above me suspended from the ceiling, I stepped onto the mat and stood beneath it. As I began to climb (my biceps doing their damnedest to me to get to the top) I threw down my fears, doubts and self pity – that morning I climbed the rope all the way to the roof and down again with Elyse shouting encouragement from below my feet – my arms were shaking and I was terrified to look down but as soon as I reached the top I knew I could conquer anything with my friends by my side willing me to succeed. Those people who remind me to believe in my own inner strength – to see myself in healthy ways, to take up my bed and walk. They motivate me to heal myself and others.
“Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions…”
Amongst the many lessons and challenges I have learned from this year, it is this one that has provided me with a clarity of vision that I want to bring with me into the New Year. I am in love, we cannot be together and learning to let go of that love with an open heart and cherish it – is terrifying. Since we parted, and until recently it has been a source of negative energy – through my own invention – old defensive habits creep out of the shadows, my smaller self attacks him wants to hate him, wants the love we shared to poison him. My smaller self is jealous of his life without me in it, it indulges in the egotistical fantasy that his life should be a dark and miserable place without me in it. It encourages me to be bitter, defensive and jealous. I have realised that jealousy is drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer, to be jealous of someone means that it is only a reflection of some part of myself I feel I am lacking, the important issue is not that specific person but the shadow side of my nature (my smaller self) reflected in that person. This person acts as a teacher – concentrating on the person that makes me feel jealousy will never heal me; it is like sinking into a quicksand of illusion. The person is not the cause of me feeling depleted – to believe this is to spiral into fear and blame. I needed to refocus, pull myself out of the quicksand and quagmire of self-pity and set my sights on the lesson rather than the teacher. It was the truth being delivered to me as a challenge. A reminder to always focus on the lesson rather that the teacher. That is what Stevie Nicks would call her “crystal vision” in her hauntingly beautiful song “Dreams” chronicling her separation from the love of her life, Lindsey Buckingham, it reflects the loneliness of lost love and the hope that envelops these feelings; it is her openhearted journey through the pain and understanding of heartbreak.
The challenge is to overcome my smaller self. I will always love him, we shared our world, our life and our adventures, despite how different we were I feel his pain and he feels mine, our bond is that of love and friendship. Friendship is the most important thing in the world. We laughed, learned, cried and fought, our foundation was always that bond. The jealousy I felt and the twinges of pain are my own ego and desire to control him, we are apart now – on two different continents, how could I expect him, or could I want him to be unhappy. Removing my smaller self and our potent sexual connection, he is my friend. A friend who I will love forever and fly across the world for if he needed me as I would with any of the other special people in my life. He is more important to me than caring if he is fucking someone else, or posting exciting pictures to instagram account. I wish him the world of happiness and that only adds to my joy and productivity. The task I face is to move through my wounds not live in them, I can’t waste time thinking, acting, or praying like a victim – feeling victimised only adds to the poison of self indulgence. Action and positivity heals. As write this I can hear Stevie’s voice haunt me in her timeless lyrics as she conveys the clarity I feel.
“Say, women, they will come and they will go
When the rain-washes you clean, you’ll know
You’ll know, you will know, you’ll know”
A hopeful message of love and understanding, Stevie recognizes that after all is said and done, no matter who comes into their lives, her and Lindsey will always have that special bond. While she may have felt jealous, she recognised that these other relationships will never compared to their bond. The rain, the storms and the heartache cleanses you of all the entanglements that are clouding a relationship. After the rain and the tears wash you clean, you will know the right thing to do.
I have learnt, and am still learning to let go of my smaller self, the minute part of myself that pollutes my life and spreads negativity, it is the voice that whispers in my ear and tells me I am ugly, I am loosing my hair, no one will love me, my ideas are worthless and ‘what would anyone see in you’, it wishes other people harm and is my habitual defense mechanism and the biggest barrier to my happiness and creativity. I am understanding and embracing the love, and the gifts I have to offer, not being afraid of giving, and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I am lucky and grateful to have met those souls that shared that unforgettable adventure with me – my friends who took my hand and ran into the ocean, made me smile and helped me to see the light, shared in my wonder and curiosity, taught me new skills, shared my first harvest moon, the stars in the night sky, my first Caribbean sunset, getting lost in paradise with me, and the man who jumped into waterfall and swam with me in a river in Scotland. My loved ones back home who caught me when I fell, and who will always be here for me – I would be nothing without them. I am endlessly thankful to them for inspiring me to be stand tall, grow stronger, wiser and unafraid, I only hope I can do the same. I have to remember to always find the opportunity to learn and carry with my the lessons and experiences tat will inform my future.
- Change is constant – Everyone’s journey goes through difficult change, we all have to learn to go with the flow of change rather than try and control it and stop it from happening.
- Never look to another person to make you happy – happiness is internal, you alone are everything – how can you expect to share and receive light if you have none of your own.
- Life is a learning experience. Every situation, challenge and relationship contains some message worth learning and teaching to others.
- Live in the present moment and practice forgiveness of other
- To remember how important your friends are, they are the family you choose.
I want to start this year by always allowing myself to learn from every experience and every person, have the courage to explore, create, to have the belief in myself and others to trust and follow my heart. We all dwell in a world of possibility.
“Now Voyager, Sail thou forth, to seek and find.” – The Untold Want, Walt Whitman
Dreams – By Stevie Nicks, performed by Fleetwood Mac